It's Only Me
by nut-ash
Summary: I started writing this as a an attempt to understand Buffy's motivations in the sixth season, and I think I did - understand. And then I decided, I should publish it to see if somebody would comment on my thoughts and to see what would they say.


PROLOGUE

i've saved the world more than a few times. i love my friends and they love me. i've loved men and have been loved in return. of course, neither has worked out in the long run, but hey. this one has been one difficult fight. and a difficult time. i've lost my mother. my sister turned out to not really be my sister but something a whole lot more bothersome.

and the world is about to end. again.

blood opened the portal and blood must close it. and my sister should die to prevent the apocalypse. that little annoying whimpering dear little brat of mine has to die at the age of 14. my sister. my family, my blood. whoa. we share blood! so i can be the one to do it. and i figure, i will. i've been lucky to live this long, and anyway, what does the future hold for me? death, rather sooner than later. i prefer to die knowing that i'm at least saving the world and my sister, than at the hands of a more random baddie.

Dawn, I have to!

death is my gift.

Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen. Dawnie, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

sharp, blinding light. pain. hope it's worth it. pain. it must. pain. because what if it doesn't work? pain. it has to! pain. it will. pain. it is. pain. they will be alright. darkness. emptiness. absence of pain. rest. good. warm, fuzzy feeling. so good. rest. absence of everything. so very good.

who knows for how long? long enough to get used to it. until-

pain. something tearing at me, through me, in me.

i open my eyes. i have eyes again. and i have to make an effort to open them. and i do. darkness. hard to breathe. i have to breathe again. and i do. but why? also, it's hard to breathe. the air - there's not enough, i lift my arms and try to feel around. i can feel again. and i do. whoa. what is it that i can and do feel? i'm lying on my back, this space that i'm in is very small, i can't even move much. it's harder to breathe. and it hurts when i touch things. i can touch again. and i do. god it hurts, why does it hurt again? what happened? i made a mistake? my death wasn't enough? the world has ended? probably not, since i can do all those things. something must have gone wrong. probably the portal hasn't been closed and hell has been unleashed. is it just me or can i not breathe? it's not me. i can't breathe. i can't breathe. i can't breathe! it hurts! it hurts! it hurts! why hasn't it worked? what happened? what happened to me? why is this happening to me? it hurts so much, it's rough, it's physical. and it hurts. surface! air! i can breathe. and i do. and it hurts. and it's loud. and it hurts.

PHASE 1

it hurts. less. but it does. and no, it's not hell. but it might as well be.

it hurts less at night. in a way. i mean, not when i'm patrolling. it's when i'm alone. when it's dark and quiet. when no one talks to me. when i don't have to talk to anybody. when i don't have to talk. when i can lie motionless and pretend i'm not here. when i don't have to be.

patrolling, killing things - it's just a drag. it doesn't matter. either i do them, or they do me. i honestly don't care which. if i do them, well. so i get to hurt some more. if they do me, well. i'm not going to hold back, of course, and just let them do it. nope. must fight the baddies. must slay. but i don't care what happens. i don't want to be here. sometimes i think about killing myself. but that would be weak. i'm not weak. don't know what i am. must not be weak. must care for the sister. must care for the friends. must care for the world. god, i hate this. i hate them.

no.

mustn't say that.

but it's the hardest. daytime. walk. talk. care. and i have to care about so many things i don't care about. money. suddenly an issue. fitting back in. an issue, as always. but it's harder now, because i don't care but have to. the friends. they brought me back. they thought i was in hell. why would i be in hell? oh well. i guess, the logic went something like this: she might be anywhere, might be in hell, we miss her, we need her, the world needs her, there's no way she can just stay wherever she is. somewhat defective if you ask me. but i guess i can understand them. but i can't make myself be grateful. i'd never been so happy and content and they took it from me. and what did they give me in return? not safety, not happiness, not peace.

i haven't told them. they worry so much about me already, they want to help so much, i couldn't tell them. because then i would probably have to comfort them, say it's alright, and things like that. it's just easier like this. how could they do this to me? couldn't they have at least checked? like, two powerful wiccas, getting this magic working - couldn't have checked where i actually was?

anyway... it's horrible. i understand - well, more or less - their reasons. they love me. they need me. yada-yada-yada. and i love them. i guess. only i don't really need them. am i a horrible person to say that? i am. but i can't help it.

these concerned faces. so willing to help. so worried. i need to be ok, so at least i'm the only person who hurts.

i feel so lonely.

and it hurts.

PHASE 2

the only person i can stand to be around is spike. i told him the truth. it's because he doesn't want me to fit in, be ok, and care. he doesn't act or look worried, or concerned. he's just there. it's nice to be able to talk to someone without caring or pretending to care.

and then things got wonky.

that singing demon. tore the truth out of me. and i almost burnt to death. or not to death, i'm not sure how the thing works, and spike stopped it. he keeps telling me he loves me. i don't know. not sure how that works. he's alright. it's easier to be around him than to be around my friends. not sure how that works either. i guess it's because i'm a bad person. simple as that. i can't forgive my friends. i hate being here. and i hate feeling this way. i should move on. there's no turning back. i just can't. and then i go and kiss spike. way to move on, huh? i'm not sure how that happened.

i thought about it of course. it's that "i want to feel" thing. and him being tolerable. and with his proclaimed love. i guess there was pity involved. so we kissed. but then i remembered what a bad idea it was. and i took off. and of course i paid for that moment. many times over. spike got ideas into his head. followed me around. now he demands stuff from me, too. now i have to take his feelings into account, too. agh. i have to worry about spike.

but the kiss was nice though.

no. now i have to shut him out as much as i can, so he doesn't get any delusions.

and then with the memory loss. we fought side by side when it all came back. and i took off.

at the bronze i sat there thinking that now life was going to become harder. hard to beleive. and yet. giles is leaving. and i'm supposed to be in charge of everything now, no help, no guidance. i'm going to be so alone from now on. and even spike, the relief i've had so far, i have to cut off for my own good.

he came up to me. don't know what he wanted. i turned away, and he got the message and left. and then i suddenly felt pity and shame. it's my problems, and i tried to pretect my friends from them. while he's not exactly my friend, i still remember that he's more tolerable than them. i shouldn't go around hurting everybody just because i hurt. and i went after him to apologize and maybe explain. i caught up with him, he looked so hurt. i tried to say something. but it must have come out wrong because he suddenly kissed me. and although that wasn't the plan, it still was nice. i tried to pull back at first, but did i mention it felt nice? he's a good kisser, that one. but no, evil bloodsucking fiend, remember? and i did pull back in the end. i might have mumbled something unintelligeable.

and guess what i did next?

and then he follows me around again. by that time i had regained my composure - more or less. and i had decided that since, as it appears, i'm not good with apology, i'll just be cruel to be kind, and give him the cold treatment. and then he hits me. and he's not in pain. and he's saying terrible things. which sort of make sense. i'm a demon? but - no horns, or anything. so maybe not? or yes? he keeps talking. i'm afraid. what if what he's saying is true? i have been feeling different after all. oh god, just when i thought thing weren't getting worse. oh god, how i hate being here! why do i have to do this? why do i have to feel like this?

i only know one way of channelling my emotions. so i wail on him. and he goes at me. and he also makes me mad. who does he think he is, who gave him the right to talk to me like that? or at all? good kisser or not, the only reason i haven't dusted him ages ago is because of the chip. but he's strong. always was a hard nut to crack. but how can he ever take me, he won't kill me, coz of all the luuuv - or will he? i'm strong. and i know how to make him weak. i know how to show him who's the boss here. and i did. and finally he stopped talking. and after he did - it just felt good. i let myself go. completely. rage, fear, hatred - and the need to feel. i took it out on him, and lost myself. forgot myself. i didn't think anymore. i just felt.

PHASE 3

and then came the morning after. i woke up from the sleep. woke up from the night. woke up from the black-out.

and i couldn't beleive last night actually happened. but i had to. and i was horrified with what i'd done. what i'd let him do. what will he think now? what am i to think now? am i a demon? no! i can't take that just now! oh god, what have i done? what happened to me?

and there was this crazy talk which didn't really matter. except for the part where i made it clear to him that everything was a horrible mistake and was never to be shared with anybody.

oh god, what have i done? it felt good, there's no denying, to let myself go like that. to not think and not care. but yet again, i have to deal with consequences. with my goddamn life, and with my goddamn self. something is wrong with me. first spike hits me and is not in pain, and then this. how could i let myself do it however good it might have felt? something is very wrong with me. and spike - oh god, he's about to become very tiresome. might take a few beatings for him to understand things. will not try and use words this time, might get crazy at the end like that time at the bronze and that will lead to no good.

but hey, when did they things go according to plan in my world? that whole deal with willow and dawn. jeez. i hate that it's so complicated. and i hate myself for being like this. i hate that i have to deal with so many things.

and what happened - with spike - it haunted me. my mind kept going back to that. how good it felt to just let go and not care. but i mustn't go there again. i have to be strong. and deal.

and then that invisible-man act came about. man, was that liberating. again, to cast off responsibilities, problems. morals. do anything i want. anything i merely feel like doing. fool around. this freedom sort of went straight to my head, like alcohol. i felt drunk with freedom like that time with spike. hmm, spike? and why not? i don't have to deal with anything, can go feel good and lost again.

and i did. but of course, it's never easy. because he suddenly has demands. why does everybody want something from me? but i can prove the he's the weak one. i can make him do whatever i want. and i can do whatever i want to him. and i did. prove it. because - why not?

tell you why not. because it's not the way of my world for me to not have to deal. and i did. deal. had to.

also, had to go to work. boring, primitive, disgusting work. as if i needed anything to feel more disgusting than i already felt. and spike? the sex and the freedom was too good to say no. to hell with everything. amongst all these things, and responsibilities, and dealing, a girl has a right to cut loose once in a while. gives me the opportunity to unload, take everything out, forget everything.

CONCLUSION

they say there's nothing wrong with me, i'm not a demon or anything, i'm just different. so how i feel - is only me. everything that i like to take out on spike and forget - is only me. all that rage, fear, and hatred, and violence - is only me. there's nothing supernatural to blame. it's only me who cuts my friends off. it's only me who does those things with spike. it's only me who hates me.


End file.
